A Home, Destroyed

I'm back. We're back. Thet trip is over, I mean. It was excellent, amazing, all I hoped for/expected. There was a lot of time to think on the trip. We'll probably finish up the other journal, the trip journal, in a few days, but it won't contain my personal thoughts, just anecdotes and humor from the trip. My thoughts will be here. Now, I guess.

I've lived a sort of careless, semi-spontaneous life this year. I want the rest of the year to be--I guess the best way to describe it is--harder. I want to do a lot less of the things I want to do and more of the things I should do. Just for a little while. I want to work enough to appreciate not working, if you know what I mean. So, when AP tests are over and the like, when life is a little more open and time is much less of a commodity I want to keep up the good work ethic, but focus on the things I'm interested in. To be a little less abstract, I want to read more, watch more of the movies I've been meaning to, study the things I'm interested in, maybe go on some more solo photo excursions. I know it doesn't sound like work, but I sort of want to improve myself. Solidify. I'm having trouble being articulate at the moment.

I want to expose myself to some more music too. You know how you sort of get stuck in the same zones, always listening to the same songs, never discovering any new ones? Well, I guess it sort of takes effort to break out of that. I think I'll use Wikipedia to expand my horizons in a concentrated direction.

Traveling is fun. I sort of assumed I'd like it even though I've never really done much traveling before. Driving down the east coast was eye-opening. I've heard people say that the more you travel the more you realize that every city is the same. I don't agree with that or at least not based on the places I've been to the last couple of weeks. Each region we went through had a distinct personality and Florida is defenitly different that any place I've ever seen before. On the other hand, Chicago is very much like any other city I've been to before. It's a bigger Rochester, pretty much. So, I guess I can see where people say that.

What I want for the summer is a 9 to 5 job. I know that sounds really weird, but I've been thinking about it a lot and it would be really nice. I don't want to have to worry about when I'm working or have to figure out schedules. I really want to be able to work 8 hours a day Monday through Friday, have evenings to myself, and know that every weekend is free. I have a feeling that that would make for the best summer.

I don't know. I always get in these self-improvement moods, but I have a strange feeling that this one is going to last longer than usual. I feel kind of close to the edge. A conversation with Dan and Eric on the trip home yesterday sort of opened my eyes to that. Highschool is essentially over and I think I'm finally actually ready to move on. Not in the superficial way I've been ready all year, the "God, I hate highschool" sort of way, but in a real, genuine way. There is still a tremendous amount of anxiety and fear about the unknown, but it's a much calmer version. Much like the anxiety about taking a wrong turn on a roadtrip. Sure, it sets you back time-wise, but what's to worry about? It's not like you've really got anywhere specific to be.

Futhermore, I feel really disconnected from my home. I always guessed that's what would happen. I'm actually quite pleased that I knew myself so well. I'm not a stationary person. When I'm home all I worry about it communication and being able to contact everyone and to know what's going on. On the trip I didn't care what was going on back in Rochester. And when I got home and caught up on the news I realized none of it mattered. I mean I'm sure I would've have a tremendous amount of fun at home, but -- I don't know -- it would not have been the same. I would've stayed the same person at home. And I need a direction, even if it's into the unknown. I'm not scared of change at all. I'm scared of constants.

Anyway, how do I get a 9 to 5 job?