Willful Ignorance

It is the strangest thing. I wake up and am halfway to dialing her number before I realize. That is the greatest source of pain that I seem unable to get past. Nights when I'm ripped from my slumber, my brain still foggy from the shock, I forget what has happened and my thoughts leap to her. It feels the same everytime.

I wonder what she would be doing now. Would she still be interested in going to school for art? Would I have finally convinced her to let me go to school near her, regardless of my ambitions? Would college still be a source of stress or would it be a source of freedom and hope? Would I be looking forward to college as much as I am now if she were still alive? Would we have stayed together? Would an awkward distance have formed between us?

I got in the habit, a year ago this morning, of clenching my eyes shut, trying to drag out how long I could pretend nothing had happened, after waking up. Those moments of willful ignorane are some of the best moments of my day.

I hate writing about these things, but I am running out of people to say them to.